Blogging from Home

I knew that this was going to be my space to make a difference!

There are times I wonder if there was anything I could have done differently to save my marriage and today is one of those days. My ex husband was always the one who'd make the plans for us on long holiday weekends and now I am the one making the plans. I want to make sure my children are not affected by his absence since, they have not wanted anything to do with him since he left us in March without saying goodbye.

To make matters worse his new relationship has made our situation at home that much more difficult. He chose to move in with a woman that was a family friend to us for many years. She was my best friend for some of that time as we grew very close. We spent vacations and holidays with her, her children and then boyfriend (who btw was my ex husbands best friend as well). So we are all just feeling betrayed and hurt. Don't get me wrong I endured my share of heartaches with him because he has cheated several times before and like a fool I took him back. But I don't consider myself "the fool" because I believed in marriage and keeping my family together.

As hard as this may be I believe that things happen for a reason and for one I started my own website and social media accounts. Things that my ex would have never encouraged. There is life after divorce and everyday is a new challenge and a new emotion. for me, its staying busy and doing all of the things I could not do in my marriage.

Mind over Matter!!!💪💫

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My son is a Special Needs Child and was bullied for most of his elementary school years. When we found out what he was enduring in silence, my warrior mom skills went into protective mode and began on my journey to get him all of the medical and academic services possible to protect him from further harm. He had no friends and made it clear he did not want any friends because they mistreated him verbally and physically. He became closed off from everyone, anti-social and started to suffer from severe anxiety attacks.

He was diagnosed with Autism (Aspergers Level 1 High Functioning), Touerette Syndrome and ADHD. It was mind blowing and took us all by surprise yet it explained so much of what he was going through.

He began his freshman year this week after being home schooled for three years and I found myself feeling anxious, nervous just filled with so many emotions. It wasn't because he was going back to school and I'd be home all day without him but because I wanted him to be treated kindly and with respect...I want his peers to see him as their equal. My hopes for him are that he can make friends that are going to get to know this amazing teenage boy who is funny, charismatic, intelligent and so very kind. A boy with an immense amount of courage who chose to step out of his comfort zone. A boy who is willing to embrace what I call the best years of our lives (high school).

He's my hero and I am his biggest fan!!!❤️❤️❤️

His quote: "To Achieve You Must Believe"!

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Good Morning,

As I sit here having my morning coffee, I felt it appropriate to write my daughter a love letter. My precious angel was born on September 24th at 1:54pm and she made quite an entrance into the world. I remember the fear of me becoming a parent, someone responsible for a whole new human beings footprints in the world. I was scared and nervous as I was only 19 but had an amazing support system from my mom and her dads family. I never wanted children of my own because I thought that my painful childhood would not qualify me as a good mom.

You see, I was sexually, physically and verbally abused my by step father from the early age of 6 until I was 15. Of course, in those days there was not the awareness and support we now have to help children, women and men speak out regarding their abuser and/or seek help. All I knew was that if I spoke up either my mom wouldn't believe me or that the state would remove me from the only home I'd ever known that was a constant reminder from my stepfather. So I found refuge in writing, I wrote poetry and I kept a dairy (that's what we called it back then) to express my sadness and torment. I wanted to become a journalist and through my writing I managed to survive but I felt I was damaged goods. My mom did not have a clue as to what I was enduring and that made it that much harder for me to ever want a family of my own.

When my daughter came into the world I vowed to keep her safe from predators and to make her childhood much better than mine had been. I did keep her safe! As she grew up, because I never dealt with my past, her father and I separated. Of course, my anger and reminder of him was her and I failed her. I failed her in the sense that I could not show her the love that a mother should be able to show her daughter in times of need. There are many things my daughter tells me I use to say to her or do to her that hurt her emotionally...some of which I can't even recall. I don't know why I did those things but my mother used to say it stemmed back from my own childhood abuse. Don't get me wrong my daughter was never sexually or physically abused (we used to spank her back then, that's what we called it) but looking back now...she was 😢. I verbally abused her the way my stepfather had abused me so in essence...I did taint her.

My daughter today, has graduated college to become a teacher and has blessed me with the most amazing gift a mother could ever ask for...A Granddaughter👶🏼! I am truly blessed and sometimes I feel I shouldn't be because of my past. I feel I don't deserve that honor or privilege because I still manage to somehow hurt her feelings to this day. My daughter has always thrived and struggled to show me how strong and independent I've raised her to be and I know that is from how I verbally treated her. She goes out of her way to prove so many of her accolades to me so that she can hear me say, "I'm Proud You" or "Great Job Your Amazing" or "Your Beautiful" or "Your Hair Looks Amazing" or "Your Doing A Great Job With The Baby" or "You The Best Stay At Home Mom" or "You Are One Of The Most Important People In My Life" or "I Love You Just The Way You Are"!

So today my beautiful daughter, I say to you, You are all of the things I've mentioned here today and then some, plus infinity..."ALWAYS"! I love you with all of my ❤️. I could not be anymore proud of you than I am and you can only go up from here my love. You have amazed me everyday with how you are raising my granddaughter 👶🏼. Giving her the abundance amount of love that at times I could not provide you with. I Love You!!!

You will never feel or be alone again! ❤️❤️❤️

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