Life after Divorce!

I know that title may not sound comforting right now, as I am still trying to get use to it myself. But, slowly I am learning that there is life after divorce. I put so much emphasis on my family and marriage that I forgot what my needs were and what I enjoyed. My Ex Husband was very controlling and things had to be done the way he felt was better for the family (even if we did not agree). At times though, he would get frustrated because he'd say it looked, as if, I were the man in the relationship because I acted like I had bigger balls than him.

His betrayal will never be forgotten and in no way shape or form am I ready to forgive. Now I am doing what I love and that is writing, motivating others going through what I'm going through, make up, fashion talk, hair and even reviewing product that I truly enjoy and help make my days just a little bit bearable!

Come on and take this journey with me. We will get through this together!

HP Phoenixx

As I've been taking this journey I find myself lost at times. When your with someone for so long it takes some time to adjust to life without them. Your life has revolved around them and

the family for so long that when their gone you honestly don't know what to do with yourself or your time. The familiarity of that relationship just makes it harder to let go at times because even though it may have been toxic it felt comfortble. It is crazy to think that we could honestly relate to a toxic relationship as comfortable. On another note, it may also give you the strength to do the things you were not able to accomplish. For me, I was held back by my ex husband and any successes I had in my jobs (or in general) he would shoot them down with a negative comment or an insulting remark. My take away in that aspect of my divorce is that I no longer have to feel less than. I make my own decisions and celebrate my own successes. I do not need affirmation from anyone in any aspect of my life anymore. I do the things that make me happy and are going to push me to be a better, more confident woman.

That's my take away!

HP Phoenix

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My days have gotten better and as the seasons change so has my life. I have certain people in my life that motivate me to succeed and provide me with the comfort I'd been longing for.

I am not much of a crier (actually I can no longer cry...it's not in my DNA anymore)! Some family members or people have titled me as "HEARTLESS" because of the lack of empathy I show. I do not intentionally mean to be that way but I sum it up to all of the pain and emotional stress I've dealt with in my life. Yesterday, was my weekly therapy session and for the first time in my life I was able to pinpoint when my depression originally began (and my goodness did I ball out crying, I was inconsolable). I figured out how it had evolved and how I had suppressed it.

It was March 7, 2003, when I lost my son. I was never able to carry full term so, I found that different to begin with. I carried him full term and was forced to try and deliver him naturally. My body could not deliver him naturally because of how the placenta had detached from my uterine wall (it had ruptured). I had to have an emergency C-Section to deliver the son I could not bring home with me, the son I would never be able to hug or hold. I feel that when you lose a child there is nothing in this world you cannot get through but it is something you could never forget. Immediately, in my mind I blamed my husband (but could not bring myself to tell him) because we were going through our second separation (at that time). He'd asked me to terminate the pregnancy so we can work on our marriage but I refused. I felt is was my job to speak for my unborn child. I remember getting a voice mail from him while I was at work saying, he had moved out his things and was going to stay with his father.

Now here we were, together again, but without my baby boy. I never sought counseling for my loss and I remember having to put those feelings aside to go back to work and take care of my two other children. I also remember one specific thing...SHOPPING! I felt happy when I shopped and bought new things, I felt happy when I got the next new job that paid me the money to indulge in those new things. I would buy things and return them or buy new ones and exchange them, it was a cycle that made me feel good even though my husband disapproved and I felt horrible after I did it. My husband did not understand, hell I didn't understand but I did it anyway because I felt that adrenaline rush when I shopped and I loved that feeling.

After several tests and evaluations I was diagnosed with Bipolar Depression, a

disorder associated with episodes of mood swings ranging from depressive lows to manic highs. There are going to be those nay sayers that say, oh, that clinical evaluation is bullshit. Well, I'm here to tell you it's not...it is very real and sometimes scary. You honestly cannot pinpoint when is going to have a good day or bad. When I have one of my episodes I feel I could take on the world and accomplish so many things but when that manic episode disappears, I'm exhausted. Of course, I control it with medication and therapy but if by any chance I miss my medications my days become the lowest of lows.

I keep myself busy and try to find positive outlets to focus on. Everyone is different and handle this depression in many different ways. To anyone out there who suffers from Bipolar Depression I know how it feels and what you are going through...you are not alone!

HP Phoenixx

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Moving On!!!

In the beginning I found it very difficult to move on from my divorce but at the same token it has been enlightening. When we suffer grief or trauma we always tend to ask ourselves why or could I have changed anything to make things different. I no longer ask myself this.

I'm blessed that things turned out the way they did and I am grateful for the family that I have and have gained. He did me a favor walking out on us because I have found a person within me that makes me feel confident and strong inside.

I look back and see the years wilted away from me and the hits have left my body brittle but I'm still here for a reason. Never count yourself out. Don't ever let a man or a woman make you feel less than your worth. They gain strength from our brittleness and leave us when they've drained all of our energy.

I know this is always easier said than done but believe in yourselves 💪. If they did it to you they will do it to the next one. 💫💫💫 12/03/18

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Thanksgiving Day...11/22/2018

So here is my first Thanksgiving as a divorced mom. Yes I've honestly been dredging this day. UGH, holidays can be a tricky when you've lost a parent or have been mourning the end of a 22 year marriage. I was really down on myself this entire week but as I started to cook this morning I noticed something...I don't have to deal with my ex husbands over bearing style of doing things, My children have been so eager to help and comfort me like no other holiday before...MY CUP RUNETH OVER!

Now as the head of my household I get to invite my family (which my ex husband did not allow), I get to cook the meals we actually enjoy and not have company over at my house that I did not like (his family).

Yes, I wonder what he will be doing with his new family, what they may be cooking and if he is thinking of us. My boys and daughter still refuse to speak to him since he walked out on us in March with no explanation or goodbye. Yet he blames the demise of our marriage and family on me, not on his actions.

I'm blessed and sometimes do not realize that because I go dark and feel I could have done things differently in our marriage to save it. But, I believe everything happens for a reason and I put up with so much heartache from him and his family...especially him.

Today I am going to trying to stay in the moment, start my own traditions and laugh with my family to give thanks for the positives I do have in my life.

Happy Thanksgiving all...🦃🦃🦃!